Defining Done

Defining Done

Over the years I have had to one-by-one shut down pieces of myself to accommodate the ever-evolving world views of my liberal family and friends.  The first piece to shutdown was any expression of my conservative values.  That side of me was no longer welcome in this new world order.  As a courtesy, I kept silent on anything related to my values and that seemed to be enough for a time.

But as time passed the world developed a genuine hatred toward people with conservative values whether I expressed them or not.  I found this hatred to be baffling because I did not feel any hatred for any of the people who disagreed with me. I did not understand a world in which someone who had a different opinion and point of view was now my enemy. 

At this point, I chose the “love conquers all” approach.  I continued to remain silent regarding my values, and I did my best to ignore the hatred being directed at me for what I believed and valued. 

But that turned out not to be enough. 

The next thing that became offensive to the ever-evolving liberal world was my faith.  And, once again, I was told that my belief system needed to be shutdown around my liberal family and friends because they were offended.  But ONLY the Christian faith.  Any other faith was OK to mention; just not Jesus and God. 

This one made me sad because my faith in God is an integral part of who I am.  It determines the choices I make in my life.  My faith is a constant in my thoughts and heart, and it is the very core of who I am.  Frankly, I am ashamed to admit that I tried for a time to shut that down so that we all could get along.  I asked myself, “How hard could it be to shutdown what I believe with every fiber of my being?”  But it was like killing a part of me deep inside.

So now the conservative values in me were silenced and my belief system in God was silenced.  But it didn’t seem to make any difference in my relationship with my liberal family and friends because as the years passed, they wanted more of me to disappear.

Now there evolved a magical list of societal topics and beliefs that suddenly became offensive.  It was a long list that grew over time.  Certain topics, certain expressions, and certain opinions were no longer acceptable, and I was expected to memorize the list and conform to prevent people from being offended.  My liberal family and friends became easily (and often accidentally) offended over something I said.  And I started walking on eggshells trying to anticipate what would and would not offend the people around me.

Life turned into a juggling act at this point.  I stopped being myself.  I felt like at any moment I was going to somehow offend someone for some reason.  My family and friends complained that I felt distant and they didn’t understand why.  But I felt like all the pieces of who I was had been shutdown and silenced and my every word was being screened for being appropriate in the new world order.  I didn’t know how to fix that problem.  I had silenced so many important pieces of me to accommodate the relationship.

But that was not enough.  They wanted more.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to shut down my honest opinion so that someone I loved would feel safe and respected.  And I said the words, “I am done.”  This person stated that they no longer felt safe enough to be in my presence.  This person did not feel heard.

At this point I realized that I had nothing left to shut down.  This person wanted me to disappear completely.  I was done because I was running on empty.  There was simply nothing left of me to give.  Maybe the topic of the weather was left.  That was it.

“I am done” means I have nothing else left to shutdown to accommodate the evolving belief system in a liberal world.  There is nothing else left of me to give up.  I have essentially lost who I am when I am around liberal people.  And the truth is that I am a loving, conservative, Christian woman who has been given no place in the world where liberals exist.  I am being asked to completely disappear.

“I am done” was not said to be cruel.  It was just a true statement. 

I am being asked not to express my honest opinion because the people around me are too fragile to tolerate a mutual exchange of varying viewpoints and ideas.  And, to me. That is the loss of my very identity. 

My belief that love would be enough and I that I could survive in a liberal world if I just continued to have love proved to be flawed.  The hatred coming back at me was too great and I have lost many relationships because my love wasn’t enough.

I never set out to end my relationship with my family members and friends.  But the bottom-line truth is that these people would be happier and have better lives without me in the picture.  I have already disappeared anyway.  With my values shut down and my faith shut down and my ideas and opinions shut down there is nothing about who I am that remains.

I finally realized that I can’t live like this anymore.  At some point I choose to be true to myself and true to the God I believe in.  I am done conforming myself to the evolving requirements of a liberal society.  I just want to be myself again.  I want to just be me.  And if people can’t tolerate me being me, then they can live their life without me in it. 

Hatred and anger in this world seem to be growing at an alarming rate.  I am weary of that hatred and anger being directed at me just for what I believe.  I am just one person with a belief in God, with Christian values, and love in my heart and it is not my intention to pose a threat to anyone’s stability in the world.  But I am done shutting down pieces of myself to satisfy a liberal world.

I believe liberals will never find the peace and happiness they seek.  They think if they just remove all the conservative Christians from the world that the world will finally be a better place.  What they fail to realize is that when they remove these people, they will also remove the love that comes from them.  And, in the end, there will only be hate and anger that remains.

I think the most difficult part of estrangement is finally facing the very thing I have been working so hard to avoid.  It is realizing that my love is simply not enough to build and hold on to a relationship.  I cannot force a connection, and I am weary of abandoning myself in the process.  At some point, my life has to matter too.

Patricia R Jackson, A Conservative, Christian Woman